There are some truly wonderful teachers out there in the world. These are the ones who want to make a positive difference in the lives of our children. The ones who work tirelessly to make sure no child falls behind. The ones who nurture, encourage and protect their students as if they are their own. The ones who work from sun up till sun down for way too little pay. The ones who wake up each morning with only the thoughts of how to help a child flourish and grow. For those of you who find yourself in this teacher category, we thank you…..but, this guide is not for you.
This guide is for those teachers in an entirely different category: the ones whose primary reason for pursuing a degree in education is because they hate kids. In this article, we’ve laid out 8 easy steps for those of you who find yourself in this club. By the end of this list, you’ll be an expert on all the ways you can more effectively destroy a child’s self-esteem and instill that early sense of self-loathing, so necessary for an onset of trauma and lifelong problems into adulthood.
Maybe you are a pro by now. We all know that there are some of you who love to share that you have 30 plus years of experience in teaching. Therefore you are surely the expert and should never accept input from parents who clearly know nothing about their own children. By all means, we are in awe of your evil ways, old wise one. But, perhaps you can learn a few new tricks if you will sit back and allow us to present our recommendations below:
Disclaimer: This post serves as satire on past experiences with certain teachers. It is not intended for replication or to encourage abuse of children. In other words, teachers: do not try this at home!
- The first and most basic step, as well as the underlying foundation for all steps to follow, is to never, ever show a child that you care. This is a rookie mistake that makes you weak. You must regard students as a number or even as an asset from time to time, since the ones who will achieve high scores on their standardized tests are your tickets to pay raise increases. Therefore, it is imperative that you teach the class how to master said test. This is the most important priority in your classroom. Period. The standardized test will be your god. Teach the children to bow down to it. It will require a strenuous boot-camp style program to whip your students into shape. There is absolutely no room for concern over their mental or physical health. In fact, the more anxiety you can inflict, the better. And, then, assign them so much homework at night, it is impossible for them to attend therapy to cope with the pressure they experience from it.
- Ask a child who is struggling why they are the only one in the entire class who messed up an assignment or task and single them out. It will be extra helpful if you can target a child with a learning disability like ADHD. (A little tip: ADHD is legally the easiest one to target. Almost every teacher dismisses it as a legitimate impairment. Why should you be the only one making an effort to offer support? That is way too much effort and violates the principals of step number one). If you really want to go the extra mile, make certain that the child feels convinced that they are lacking and inferior to their peers. Bonus points if you compare their deficits as loudly as possible in front of their classmates. You may assume that the child will find this verbal abuse so humiliating that it motivates them to work better in the future. But, I assure you, it will have the opposite effect once you assault their self-esteem sufficiently.
- Make certain a child knows when they are your least favorite student in the class. You don’t necessarily have to use words. Body language and tone work just as well. Eye rolls, shrugs and sighs are promising first steps. However, if you want to be more effective, find another teacher or staff member to gossip with about them within ear shot or at least in front of all their peers. Make certain you use the phrases “problem child,” “brat,” or “pain in the ass.” Any of those phrases will do quite nicely.
- Disregard any 504 Plan or IEP paperwork. In fact, go on ahead and just burn it so that there is no evidence that it ever came across your desk. If a child has one of these plans, this is most likely to cause you so much more work as a teacher. No need to put that kind of burden on yourself trying to follow the plan. Your best approach for self-preservation is to always blame deficiencies on the child. Pretend you have never heard the phrase “executive functioning skills.” This way your potential honor student will most likely fail your class and possibly go on to just drop out of school entirely. Then, they are no longer your problem. See how much easier that is for you?
- If you do find yourself being held accountable for their plan, however, there are some ways you can at least torture the child in the process. For example, if it is apparent that a child is losing focus during your lecture, make sure you startle them and really draw all attention to them. Slamming your fist down on their desk or screaming “Johnny, YOU NEED TO FOCUS!!!” at the top of your lungs is very effective.
- But, here is one of the most effective ways of all. Are you ready for it? You’re going to love this one. As the teacher, you can bring the child’s peers in on the discipline. Yes, I know what you’re thinking: “How are a bunch of 9-year-olds qualified to discipline their peers?” Well, the great news is, it doesn’t matter! Using peer shaming is highly effective at public humiliation. Next time the child gets an answer wrong or misses instructions, make certain you turn to the class to back you up. Ask them “Class, what did I just instruct you all to do? Sally here missed the directions. Do YOU think I should repeat the directions just for her?” When they answer no and point and laugh at her, you chime in. “See, everyone else thinks I should give you a zero.”
- When you find yourself tired of a child’s whining or immature behaviors, it’s really no problem. Just act like the 8-year-old child yourself. Mock and mimic the child’s behaviors, whether it’s “nanny, nanny, boo, boo” or “waaa, waaa, I’m a little cry baby,” any way that you can make fun of them will suffice. It is sure to set the tone for the rest of the class, as well, ensuring that the child’s peers join you in the belittling. You can always resort to pitching a tantrum when a child is annoying you, as well. The more you can stomp your feet, pound your desk and slam things against your desk in frustration, the better rank you will have as the class bully.
- If they continue an undesired habit after several warning rounds, you might have to upgrade to corporal punishment. Since paddling is outlawed in many school districts now a days (such a shame. I can’t believe they took away our ability to beat kids. Don’t they know that violence is most effective? But, I digress…), you may have to consider options that are still technically allowed in the schools but borderline abuse. For example, forcing kids to run laps as a punishment is always a great way to help destroy a child’s love of fitness. And, it’s always most advantageous when used for a behavior the child can not help, such as missing directions you wrote on the board while they were in the clinic checking their blood sugar. Don’t let a minor hiccup like a 504 Plan discourage you on this, either. Remember what I said about those pesky plans? Disregard them! Never, ever under any circumstances should you offer Mary support with building executive functioning skills or positive reinforcement to encourage responsibility and ownership. This is a big mistake. Running laps is always the answer.
Now that we’ve run through these list of steps, you are guaranteed to accomplish success at becoming your students’ and their parents’ worst nightmare this school year. And, who knows, if you’re lucky, the impact you have this year might last with those kids for a long time to come. Congratulations on your newfound knowledge. You are all set for your mission on how to destroy a child.